I don't know where to turn currently... so I find myself coming back to my blog. Weird because I was not too gung ho about this when I first got it. However, I am finding it helps me sort out my thoughts. I also don't really want to talk to humans... and if I do it is short and I respond with yea or okay. That's it. Not mad just don't have much to say.
Last night, I wanted to push away from people I care about. I find that more difficult to do now... ever since the Lord took down my walls. It is also quite hard to rebuild them. Last night I tried to rebuild the moat around my heart (there is no draw bridge) with the moat I would place the deadliest of water creatures in it so anyone that tried to cross it would most likely get ripped to shreds (dark thought). Sadly... I find much comfort in this thought. I find comfort in it because this is the way of my old heart. The new heart basically has tossed me into a realm of confusion, uncertainty, chaos and despair. Which let's be real has been great in some areas and in some not so great.
This realm I sit in has caused me to look at life in a different way. I like to hide behind a mask that portrays a life that is fine and dandy. I like to hide behind a mask that says "I have everything together." When in reality I do not. I don' t know how to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't want my life to come off as a mess. I want to tell people I am good when I am not. However, I am finding it harder to hide. I don't know where to hide anymore. I am looking in every direction and I cannot find anything TO HIDE BEHIND! AH! I am in search of a new self. I am trying to figure out how to just simply be. Why is it so hard? Idk.
Am I fighting the very hands that are holding me? The hands and face that say it is okay to be a mess sometimes. It is okay to show emotion. It is okay that you don't have everything together.
You know what I hate with a fiery passion?!?! THE WORLD! I hate it because I despise it to the core of my being and as of lately it is getting to me. My eyes are fixed on what is temporary rather than eternal. PUKE! I spoke this summer on how this world has nothing for us. It doesn't. Yet we get so caught up in it. I have not been THIS caught up in it. I just hate it.
This is where I am getting the most caught up... which makes me sick everytime I think about it. Relationships. The world says find someone really good looking and funny and rich and blleeeck (sound I am currently making). This is where I become the most lost and just want to shut off. Because I have this person... who cherishes the moments he has with me, likes me for who I am and who I am in Christ. If he could would tell me everyday that he thinks I am beautiful. He wrote me letters. Chivalrous (does not come around to often). He is a man of God. Then what is the freakin deal!?
The deal is I am so far lost in the world that I cannot see what God sees. I am selfish and lustful. I just want to run away right now. I don't know if I am fighting God in all of this either... am I? Idk.
I will be seeking out the Lord in all of this. Even if I don't want to. I will need you to help push me into this new heart that has greatness with in it. I am resisting with everything inside of me.
I am a mess. I will admit it. I need help.
2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Signing off: Hopeful in soon being found.
baby. wow. i have goosebumps coating my whole body and tears in my eyes. your vulnerability right now astounds me. you are bearing your heart to us and to the Lord.
ReplyDeletethere's really no way that my feeble words can express what i'm feeling toward you right now! (that's a good thing. an amazing thing)
all i can do is tell you that i love you. that i'm proud of you. and that i'm praying for you every single day and every single night.
my heart breaks for the pain and confusion that you feel.
but it overflows with joy to see you completely baring your soul and seeking after God's will...which means you are going about this in the right way, so don't worry!
it's not an easy journey, but you have the three of us. and you have God...who's better than that to have on your side?
i feel like i'm just rambling right now. my apologies.
seriously, i just love you.
one more thing...i just read my brother's most recent blog post and it spoke a lot of truth to me, so hopefully it will to you, as well.
ReplyDeletehe was talking about faith.
he referred to the story of peter walking on water to meet Jesus...halfway through that journey, he lost the faith and sank.
the important key here? peter didn't lose faith in Jesus...he lost faith in himself. he began to doubt his own capabilities.
sometimes it's hard to lose sight of the fact that faith is a two-way street. not only did peter have faith in Jesus, Jesus had faith in peter. Jesus has faith in YOU.
He believes that you are strong enough for this.
now, you have faith in Jesus...Jesus has faith in you...the only missing piece is that you have to have faith in YOURSELF!
and i think that you can trust Jesus' judgment, so go for it! :)
ditto jess's last comment.
ReplyDeleteyou are such a different woman erica grace and it is so wonderful to see! God has grabbed hold of you heart in the most vulnerable way he can and it is a beautiful sight.
Something that the Lord has taught me this week is about setting my eyes on eternal things. That so many times we focus on the temporary...and when we do that, we start to worry. We do not know where to go. We loose faith in ourselves and in God. But when we focus on what is eternal and serve for the kingdom's sake, that is when clarity comes and when worry is no more.
so i encourage you to keep seeking and serving for the kingdom's sake. You will find clarity in this. I love you and i love that you are willing to allow us women and the Lord to move in your heart and to help direct you.
you are amazing and i love you and we place our hope in the one who is always faithful to his promises!
wow. i loved the way you singed off: hopeful in soon being found.
ReplyDeletewhat encouragement right there in your own words.
it is beautiful to see how the LORD is slowly revealing your heart not just to the world, but also to yourself. your vulnerability in this entry is absolutely stunning. i love how you begin to embrace the messiness of your reality. you are broken. you are lost. you are confused. you are scared. you are hurting. how simply beautiful. for the LORD does not desire for you to 'fix' or 'perfect' yourself before arriving at his doorstep. instead, he desires your reality, he wants for your broken self to show up, just as you are. so through Him you can be perfected, you can be restored.
i love when you said "i am a mess. i will admit it. i need help." there is so much power in those statements, in that reality being brought to the surface.
i am reading donald miller's book, searching for God knows what, and the first chapter, which is entitled "fine wine" talks about this reality of life. as he describes his downfalls and experiences as a writer, he includes a conversation he had with a friend, where he says, "but the facts of reality stink." and his friend replies with, "reality is like fine wine, it will not appeal to children." there is so much truth in this conversation. reality sucks. the pain, the brokeness, the confusion...it stinks. but it is real. there is no hiding or no quick formula to fix it. instead, our healing comes as we seek the LORD, as we give Him control. and it is so beautiful to see as the LORD strips you of these old formulas to reality, and implements within you a new acceptance of your reality. He is truly growing you, erica. He is molding your heart with a new maturity in vulnerability. a new maturity in love. a new maturity in hope. a new maturity in joy and contentment. a new maturity in your relationship with Him.
i know the journey is hard. and there are times with the walls are more appealing than the struggle to tear them down, but remember, that as your EMBRACE your reality, you GROW and you HEAL. every step you take in this journey is allowing you to be even closer to your Father in Heaven, to this life He intended for you to life. and i will be here every step of the way, even of you take a few back. but know, that however close i stand by your side, the LORD is even closer.
i love you.
and i am so very proud of you.
your heart is SO beautiful.