Masks

Today has been good, okay, irritating, frustrating, annoying, confusing, nice and I don't even know.

My heart is heavy and hurting.

God for the past week has secretly been placing the word "masks" in random places in my life.  I had not thought much of it until wednesday night at CVC's ONE NIGHT.  I was not planning on attending ONE NIGHT but for whatever reason girls kept asking me if I was going... so I went.  I walked into the church and there wasn't really anywhere to sit... which was a good thing because it was packed full of students!  Anyways, I find a pew to sit in.  Panda texts me and asks me if it worth it to come because her class got done early and I was like yes SO worth it.  So she came.  The speaker went up onto the stage and spoke for a while then he played a video... one that I has seen before.  The "MASKS" video that Paradigm had made.

So the whole 2 times I have seen this video it has pulled on my heart strings a little.

But wait a second... there came that word again "masks".  What the hay God?!?  What are you trying to tell me here?

Well Erica... you have masks and quite a few I might add.  I know what they all are but you do not... I will reveal them to you in my perfect timing.

Oh okay God that sounds wonderful.

Masks revealed that night: The Mask of Pride & The Mask of Selfishness.

The speaker then gave an alter call.  I felt the need to recommit my life to Jesus Christ.  I like that God is faithful because he knew that my pride alone would not go up there... that is why Panda's class got done really early.  I knew I could humble myself and ask her to come up with me.

Week by week I am becoming more and more transparent to my friends, family and the world.

Yet another post that was written and not finished... enjoy

Discovery.

Last Wednesday night I went to Praise Gathering at NCU, and along with me came some girls from HOORAH (a women's accountability and bible study group).  I went into the night with the mindset that tonight is for the girls and I am going to need to be strong for them.  

FALSE.

It was a night for me to fall on me knees at the foot of the cross.  The start of trying not to be resistant to God.  As of lately I have been very resistant to God.  So... I thought I would try not to be resistant and for the first few songs I was... and then I was like if the next song is "Lead me to the Cross" I don't know what I will do.  Well sure enough the next song was just that.  In front of me was a nice spot that I felt the Lord was beckoning me to.  So I hopped over some chairs and knelt before the Lord.   I cried.  It felt good to cry.  

I prayed about...

Lust

Being selfish

Being a mess

Being resistant

That I would see what He sees

However, I still am somewhat resistant.  But that was a start.

I am also still in a slightly confused state.  I was chatting with a friend and she had read my blog and mentioned my masks and that I should not care what people think... that got me thinking about whether or not I do care what people think?  I feel like I never really have cared about what people think of me.  Okay, ironically though... the only time I have cared about what people think is when I have been dating someone.  The biggest struggle of my life still.  Strange.  Anyways... ugh.  

So I wrote this thing after praise gathering while I was sitting listening to the last set.

I am a mess, but I am beautiful.

I am splattered all over the place, but I am good enough.

I am lustful, but I am redeemed.

I am selfish, but I am becoming selfless.

I have a mask, but I have been unmasked.

I was lost, but I have been found.

I walked down a crooked path, that now is straight.

I have a burning flame within me that has been forgotten, but it can NEVER be put out!

This is who I am striving to become, but along the way I am discovering more and more about myself.  I am embracing my mess.  I don't always have to be put together and make it seem as if my life is just dandy when it is not.  God will meet me right where I am at if I allow Him to.  Still getting there. Trying not to fight.

I am finding beauty in this journey and I love it.  I may not always show it but I am finding beauty in it.

I am discovering that when I am resistant to the Lord I am resistant to people in my life.

I am discovering that with the help of my friends I learn even more about myself.

I am discovering that not always being emotionally strong is okay.

I am discovering what it looks like to be humble.

I am discovering what humility is.

I am discovering that I am going to need not only the Lord to travel into certain places of my heart but my friends as well.

I am discovering what it looks like to just "be".

I am discovering what true freedom in God's Love is.

In discovering all of this stuff... I am finding it is hard sometimes because if I don't come off as happy then I am mad, when I'm not.  I guess I need to figure out a middle there.  Or do I?  Hmmm...?

2 Corinthians 3:17-18 "Now the LORD is the spirit, and where the spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces reflect the LORD's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever increasing glory, which comes from the LORD, who is the spirit."

Ephesians 4:22-24 "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Signing out: More than just a beautiful mess.

A different heart.

I don't know where to turn currently... so I find myself coming back to my blog.  Weird because I was not too gung ho about this when I first got it.  However, I am finding it helps me sort out my thoughts.  I also don't really want to talk to humans... and if I do it is short and I respond with yea or okay.  That's it.  Not mad just don't have much to say.

Last night, I wanted to push away from people I care about.  I find that more difficult to do now... ever since the Lord took down my walls.  It is also quite hard to rebuild them.  Last night I tried to rebuild the moat around my heart (there is no draw bridge) with the moat I would place the deadliest of water creatures in it so anyone that tried to cross it would most likely get ripped to shreds (dark thought). Sadly... I find much comfort in this thought.  I find comfort in it because this is the way of my old heart.  The new heart basically has tossed me into a realm of confusion, uncertainty, chaos and despair.  Which let's be real has been great in some areas and in some not so great.

This realm I sit in has caused me to look at life in a different way.  I like to hide behind a mask that portrays a life that is fine and dandy.  I like to hide behind a mask that says "I have everything together."  When in reality I do not.  I don' t know how to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I don't want my life to come off as a mess.  I want to tell people I am good when I am not.  However, I am finding it harder to hide.  I don't know where to hide anymore.  I am looking in every direction and I cannot find anything TO HIDE BEHIND! AH!  I am in search of a new self.  I am trying to figure out how to just simply be.  Why is it so hard?  Idk.  

Am I fighting the very hands that are holding me?  The hands and face that say it is okay to be a mess sometimes.  It is okay to show emotion.  It is okay that you don't have everything together.

You know what I hate with a fiery passion?!?!  THE WORLD!  I hate it because I despise it to the core of my being and as of lately it is getting to me.  My eyes are fixed on what is temporary rather than eternal. PUKE!  I spoke this summer on how this world has nothing for us.  It doesn't.  Yet we get so caught up in it.  I have not been THIS caught up in it.  I just hate it.

This is where I am getting the most caught up... which makes me sick everytime I think about it.  Relationships.  The world says find someone really good looking and funny and rich and blleeeck (sound I am currently making).  This is where I become the most lost and just want to shut off.  Because I have this person... who cherishes the moments he has with me, likes me for who I am  and who I am in Christ.  If he could would tell me everyday that he thinks I am beautiful.  He wrote me letters.  Chivalrous (does not come around to often).  He is a man of God.  Then what is the freakin deal!?

The deal is I am so far lost in the world that I cannot see what God sees.  I am selfish and lustful.  I just want to run away right now.  I don't know if I am fighting God in all of this either... am I?  Idk.

I will be seeking out the Lord in all of this.  Even if I don't want to.  I will need you to help push me into this new heart that has greatness with in it. I am resisting with everything inside of me.

I am a mess.  I will admit it.  I need help.

2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Signing off: Hopeful in soon being found.

Lost.

I have not written in awhile.  I apologize for not giving you day by day updates on my life.  To be honest though... I have felt completely lost.  I did not know what to say or do or to think or what was going on in my heart.

As I sat and thought today I thought about my life and the lives of my dear friends I found something rather interesting about each of our lives.  I found that each of us have been lost in one way or another when it comes to a "significant other".  

Some finding their hope in someone they loved so dearly. 

Then turning and truly discovering what hope is and the best place to find it.

Some finding joy and who they are in someone that is not always consistent.

Then turning and seeking the face of the One who will bring the best kind of joy and discovering who they are in Him.

Some finding comfort in someone that is so familiar in their life.

Then turning their eyes onto not what is comfortable but rather uncomfortable. Surrendering comfort for a life that maybe is not so familiar and discovering how much strength they have when their eyes are fixed upon the one who has all power and strength.

Some building walls upon walls to protect what is so precious to them... never wanting to be hurt again.

Then turning their head to the One God who will not forsake them.  Breaking the walls and discovering a new kind of Love.

I find this encouraging.  I find this beautiful.  I find it amazing.

I have been crooked and lost this entire week.

Lost in lust.

Lost in the world that I so much despise.

Crooked in confusion.

Loss of words.

Crooked in being WAY out of my comfort zone.

This past week I have been a crooked and lost soul trying to find my way back home.  I am still slightly crooked and still somewhat lost.  However, I find hope in the one that has discovered what hope is and what it truly means.  I have found joy in the one who now finds it in the Lord.  I have found strength in the one whose strength in the Lord seizes to amaze me each day.  I have found freedom in a new kind of Love.

I still feel lost.  But have been inspired in hope, joy and strength by the ones who I hold closest to my heart... and for that I thank you.

Luke 3:5 "Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low.  The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth."

Signing out: Soon to be found.

Selfish.

I want to set the World on fire, until it's burning bright for you.

My eyes fill with tears right now. I am crying because I feel like anyone can hold me back from achieving this goal of setting the World on fire with the Love of Christ.  I am selfish. I don't give the people in my life enough credit for how the Lord uses them. I refuse to.  It is not easy for me to tell my closest friends how much I appreciate them.  I know I am blessed beyond belief.  Yet I am selfish.  I want to lead.  I want all credit to go to the Lord.  I don't like letting people in.  It is easier for me to give credit to someone I barely know for allowing the Lord to use them than it is to tell my soul friends that.  Sounds pretty screwy to me.  Sometimes I want to sit in the darkest parts of my heart.  As of recently the Lord doesn't really allow me to do that... because well he basically shed light in all the dark places... perfect. However... I still try.

But let's be real. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."  Nothing can take me away from the will of God.  I could choose to do that myself but no one can do that to me.  The blinders have been removed from my heart and eyes.  I am now alive because I have seen beyond my fears.  Fears that I became a slave to.  I can set the world on fire.  I was made in the image of my creator and all His GREATNESS.  WHOOAAA!  How wicked awesome is that!?!? SO. Wicked AWESOME. (done with the caps).

This Blog is scattered because there is high and lows I am going through currently.

I am selfish. I hate it. I despise this selfishness.  I need to rid myself of it.

Mentality: Once a leader always a leader.

False.

Not when it comes to relationships.  You should look to the man to lead.  SO hard for me to do.  Good news.  I am getting better at it.  Still tough.  I just feel so selfish sometimes.

Obviously something I need to pray about.  All in all I am selfish in my thoughts and in my heart.  Selfish because I don't believe that I am more talented than I really am.  Selfish because I don't believe enough in myself to actually set the world on fire.  Selfish because I don't want to share the credit.  Selfish because I want to lead.  Selfish because I don't allow my dearest of friends into my heart.  Yuck.

I will be praying about this. And hopefully!  In blogs to come we will see freedom from the shackles of selfishness.

Friends that walk with me in the Garden of my Heart: Panda, Jess, Ally

"True.Love.Forever"

Here goes nothing

Well... here goes nothing.  I am uncertain as to what my blog will entail.  I know that it will be humorous at times and other times more on the serious side.  I don't have a clue who will read this. I know my friends and possibly family will.  Other than that I don't know who would read this.  I don't really know what to say honestly.  So for now I bid thee a farewell and hope you enjoyed my FIRST EVER Blog post.